3/3/2007- @#$%!

Lately, at Devon’s recommendation, I’ve been watching DVDs of a show called Battlestar Galactica, a science-fiction drama about a war between man and machine. As a borderline Luddite in a lot of situations, this is one of my favorite genres of story; if they threw a monkey and some zombies in there, it would pretty much be my favorite show ever. On this show, the characters, most of whom are tough-talking military types who often become frustrated, they substitute the word "frak" for "fuck," as it's a Sci-Fi Channel show and they can't get away with actually saying "fuck." As an unexpected result, I've actually found myself doing the same when I curse in my head. This is strange, as anyone who knows me will testify that I curse like a sailor who drives a truck in his spare time.

This has raised, for me, an internal debate about the nature of language, which I have now decided to externalize. Bear with me here: rather than use the word “fuck”- a word whose usage the network and/or FCC would not allow- the writers of this show have instead chosen to create for themselves an alternative to that word, and use it instead, in any and all situations where the characters would use “fuck.” “Frakking,” “frakked up,” “motherfrakker,” etc. In the parlance of the show’s vernacular, “to frak” someone is to have sexual intercourse with them, and if a situation goes from good to bad or bad to worse, it is referred to as having become “totally frakked,” and so on.

So my question is this: If the intent behind the usage of this “frak” codeword is the same as the one behind the use of “fuck,” (which it is) and they’re not allowed to say “fuck” because it’s a supposedly “bad” word that parents don’t want kids to hear and repeat, then how is “frak” any better? Logic would appear to dictate that it isn’t. If a kid is watching this show and hearing the characters say “Frak this” and “Stupid motherfrakker,” he’s going to repeat it and eventually if not immediately figure out the intention behind it, and in that viewer’s personal sphere of linguistic influence, the word “frak” becomes just as bad (or innocuous, depending on your viewpoint) as the word “fuck.”

The whole thing reminds me of an anecdote. I used to work at a menswear store in the mall. On one occasion, I had to more or less give a talking-to to the stockboy (who was older than me, mind you) because during the course of an argument, he told the acting manager "Go one yourself." See, this guy was a born-again Christian, and as such didn't use profanity but instead replaced curse words with numbers. "Fuck" was one, I believe "shit" was two (appropriately), and so on... in retrospect, those may have been the only two.

Anyway, these two were arguing and he said this and walked away, and I followed him back to the stockroom and told him, "Dude, listen. You can't say shit like that to Konlee*. You may disagree with him and you may not even like him, but he's still your boss, and I don't think he will, but if he felt like it he could still fire you." And his argument was, basically, that since he didn't actually say the word "fuck," then it didn't "count" as cursing at his boss. But, as I explained to him, since everyone knew what he actually meant, then it was in fact exactly the same as cursing at his boss. Even though I thought I was more or less talking out my ass, he actually accepted this and went out to apologize. It's worth noting that I didn't like this individual, and was only trying to save his job because, if I didn't, then I would have had to do his job, and he had a really shitty job. Several months later this individual challenged me to fight him because I questioned his vacuuming technique. (I wish that was a joke.)

But I digress.Back to the “fuck”/”frak” question. Unfortunately, I find myself unable to decide what my ultimate point is here. Do I think the Sci-Fi Channel should let the producers and writers of BSG use the word “fuck”? No, I don’t; it’s basic cable, and there’s certain things you can’t do on basic cable. If you could do them, it would be pay cable, and there would be nudity involved… which, after monkeys and zombies, is one of the few things that could make me like the show more.Do I think they should, conversely, bar the producers and writers of the show from uncensored usage of the word “frak”? I don’t think that either; it’s a made up word on a show about robots, who the hell cares what they say? Well, clearly I do, but who am I?

I realize now that I have no answer to my personal debate, which may well be, subconsciously, why I chose to write it out and submit it for your consideration, friends. So I hope someone comes up with something, because otherwise the last nine paragraphs may have just been a huge waste of everybody’s frakking time.

*- That was the manager’s name. Konlee. I have no idea why his parents chose to name him that, but to paraphrase Chuck Klosterman, he was a terminally sweet if kind of dim guy, with a heart like a mastodon. Wherever he is now, I hope like crazy that he’s doing well, and- thankfully- I have no reason to expect otherwise.