12/30/2005- The Year In Humor 2005

It's not quite Jen's year in review, but these are 12 of the funnier things I've heard in the past year...

12. Me: "I like soul music as much as the next guy.
Devon: "If the next guy's Smokey Robinson, we're fucked!"

11. Me, to Tony: "They have a special place in Hell for people who make jokes like that."
Vin: "They also have a special place in school for people who make jokes like that."

10. Me, regarding a cockroach at work: "I stepped on it three times and it didn't die!"
Rob, a coworker: "They're tough."
Me: "I weigh close to three hundred pounds! If I stomped on you three times you'd slow down."

9. Jen, regarding my attempt to strangle Paul: "Finish the job..."

8. Black guy on subway: "You know who I like in that Lord of the Rings?"
Other black guy: "Who?"
Black guy: "The little guy."
Other black guy: "N***a, they all little."
Black guy: "Nah, nah, the real little one."
Other black guy: "Gimli?"
Black guy: "Who?"
Other black guy: "N***a wit' the axe."
Black guy: "Nah, not him. Real little dude, with the precious."
Other black guy: "Ohhh, Smeagol."
Black guy: "Yeah, yeah, little crackhead with the precious."

7. Tony: "It's science!"

6. Mr T: “Kristen’s bam!”

5. Lou B: "That's what life's all about. Taking risks. Like the other day the vending machine was out of Coke... so I got Cherry Coke."

4. John Ross.: “STOP! … Lettuce…. Is not… a ball!”

3. Jen, re: my new Kid Flash shirt; “What shirt is this now?”
Me: “It’s Kid Flash.”
Jen: “I’m going to kill you.”

2. Cari: “I drank a lot of seltzer.”
Me: “There are worse things to drink a lot of. Formaldehyde. Paint thinner.”
Cari: “The blood of a Chinaman.”

1. Me: “If I didn’t go too far, how would I ever know when to stop?”