12/31/2006- The Year in Humor 2006

And now, the funniest things I've heard all year...

1.) “I have anger issues; I get angry when everyone else is a retard.” –Me

2.) “Tricked by one’s conscience is still tricked.” –Tom

3.) “I want to fuck her in the worst way.”
“Standing up in a hammock?” –Someone, then Paul

4.) “It’s like someone called 1-800-Fuck-Brendan.”
“Who wants to call that number?” –Someone, then Jen

5.) “I know your fucking ‘making fun of girls’ voice!” –Jen

6.) “Worst case scenario, you go, have a bad time and leave early. Best case scenario, you meet some hot older woman and end up having sex in a closet… and you get a race car.” –Devon, regarding a party I didn’t want to go to. (I ended up getting lost and not going.)

7.) “I thought you said, ‘a kid who can beat me at volleyball.’” –Cari, after I said “a kid who I could not conceivably be the father of.” (It was a rather bad cell phone connection.)

8.) “Did you know Goodfellas and My Blue Heaven are based on the same guy?”
“That’s like finding out Dude, Where’s My Car? was based on Oskar Schindler.” –Tom, then me.

9.) “That’s the first thing I do to anything that needs fixing: turn it off, then turn it back on. That’s why I never would have made it as a doctor.” –Me

10.) “Well you have to sleep in a pool of your own shit, but you get to cum for a day and a half.” –Me, regarding the fact that pigs apparently orgasm for 36 hours

11.) “It does too.”
“It does not.”
“… are we really going to do this?” –Lou Bara, then me, then Bara again, having a mercifully truncated argument.

12.) “Everyone knows how gay you are. That woman over there, she knows you’re gay. I just told her. I used secret heterosexual code so you wouldn’t understand.” –Me, to Tom.

Happy New Year, everyone.